Don't Believe What "They" Say

One of the first things that I heard from the Lord in the days immediately following June's death was a gentle warning not to believe what I would hear people saying about grief. I knew He wasn't saying not to listen to people for that would be impolite. Nor, was He saying to ignore their words of comfort for those are a genuine blessing. But I had been in church-life long enough to know that much of what is said by well-meaning Christians about their own experience includes a response to grief that falls woefully short of receiving what God and Jesus can provide. He was simply confirming my observations and reminding me to look directly to Him and His Word to get me through this unwanted ordeal.

So, what is it that I/we are not to believe of what people say? I doubt I have the whole list here, but it's enough to give you a feeling for what's out there. Let's walk briefly through what the Cultural Book of Grief has to say.

What Not to Believe

1. There's no wrong way.

This is absolutely false. There is a right way and a wrong way for everything. Grief is no exception! Denial is a wrong way. Anger is a wrong way. So are guilt, self-pity, and depression. No one can help what goes off inside of them, but you don't have to let it control you and carry you the way it wants you to go. You can always learn how to make a right response. Jesus said that the door is narrow, and the way is difficult that leads to life and few find it. This is definitely true about grieving. Many go down the easy to find, wide path that leads to soul destruction. Even so, that narrow door can be found, and the difficult way can be walked.

2. Grief is different for everyone.

This is only partly true. No one can feel your pain. Perhaps, no one has experienced exactly your kind of loss. Certainly, no one else has had your emotional and spiritual background coming into this moment. These three things are unique to each of us about anything we might go through. However, loss is loss; pain is pain, and grief is grief. The same components are there, and they can be worked with in very similar ways. God meets us where we are at, but He leads us (if we let Him) in the same direction using the same means of grace.

3. You'll never get over it.

I especially hate this one. It is a hope-killing negative prophecy. If you think you can't get over something, you won't. Unless a (rare) miracle of God's grace overwhelms such a persons false belief, they will spend the rest of their life encased in the tomb that only their loved one's body was meant to occupy. Jesus says that there is a blessing for those who mourn. Grieving forever is not a blessing! Nor does it ever have to become anyone's fate in life. Learning to grieve the right way holds the potential of catapulting anyone into their as yet unrealized destiny.

4. Get your mind off it.

Don't think about it? I agree that no one should dwell on their loss in a negative or harmful (wrong) way, but how can you grieve if you're trying not to let yourself go there? Suppose you broke your ankle playing a sport. Would anyone around you say, Don't think about it? Of course not. You would think they were nuts. Pain tells us that there is something that needs mending. Find the ways to mend and let the painful remembrances push you in the right direction. Trying to push the pain down is the wrong way to go

5. You're depressed: take some pills.

I really don't like either side of this equation. Grief is not depression! Depression is a form of mental illness. There is nothing unhealthy about grief. Feeling sorrow over the loss of a loved one is a good, honest emotion, even if it is painful to endure. The very opposite response could indicate an illness. If we felt nothing at all, or worse, were delighted that someone we loved was ripped from us, that would call for the men in white jackets. And please don't zombie your way through it by medicating yourself with pills to dull the pain. The pain is there to press you into God for your true healing. That won't happen if you just want to get rid of the pain.

6. It's been long enough.

There is no rule book on the time it takes. How long is long enough? Let's just say that in the past people took their time and did it right. It was widely expected that grieving required time, and tears. People wore black or posted a black ribbon on their door to alert others that they were in mourning and could not be expected to rise above it for a season. We tend to want to pull people out of it too quickly, possibly due to our own discomfort more than theirs. As for me, I didn't want anyone to try to cheer me up before I was ready for it. What helped was when people dropped out of their more elevated state to share their own memories of June and sense of personal loss. In other words, when they took the time to join me in my grief, rather than try to magically free me of it.

The Right Way

I characterized these sayings as excerpts taken from the cultural book on grief. It's important to note that no one person wrote that book, nor are its passages quoted to us by well-meaning friends in anything other than a sincere desire to help us get through our own overwhelming feelings. The problem is that Jesus was right. The door is narrow, and the way is difficult that leads to life and few find it. So, these sayings are a collection of misinformation written out of the anguished experience of many in our Christian culture who never found the fullness of recovery that our God offers to all who believe. Naturally enough, there can be but little recovery for those who don't know the God of Hope or have any active faith in what He has done to truly conquer death in all its forms, including the living death of grief.

Prayer

Dear Lord, I am hurting so badly that I just want to run from the grief, or worse, act out in harmful ways ways that would further hurt myself and others. I acknowledge that there is a right way to go through grief and I give myself no excuse if I don't try my best to find it and walk in it. Help me now to renounce all the above false ideas about grief and let You lead me through it the only right way Your way with You leading me step by step.